I’ve always felt that attention was the currency of love. Yet, so too is emotional attunement, which we might receive from the most unlikely people. We’re so quick to put people into categories, and our worst offense is the limiting way we tend to view those who are differently-abled. So let me introduce you to my brother, Scott, who was born with multiple medical issues that required several operations. One which ended tragically by a simple medical mistake that cost him so many brain cells that he had little chance of survival. Yet survive, he did. That stubborn little guy not only survived that near-fatal operation, but he’s now my 62 year old little brother who is one of the most joyful people I know. The fact that he can’t add 7+7 or that he now needs a wheelchair to get around doesn’t get in this way of delighting in his life. Usually when I call him, he can’t wait to show me his latest acquisition. Last night it was a Monkees CD; the one I danced to 50 years ago. And he knows every single lyric.
But back to emotional attunement. Out of everyone in my family – grandparents and cousins included, Scott was the one who “got me.” When I was sad, he noticed and reached out with kindness and support. While he didn’t understand me intellectually, he got me emotionally. He was tuned in, which is what I needed the most from someone in my family.
We’ve stayed close over the years, even after my parents divorced, and he went to live with my adoptive father, Hank. Hank pushed him; too hard I thought. Yet because he believed Scott could do more, he did. In addition to becoming a good sailor, and holding down several jobs, he also won a Gold Medal for skiing in the Special Olympics. Hank also expected him to help around the house, and Scott had things he was responsible for. Clearing the dishes from the table, unloading the dishwasher and making the morning coffee each day.
Hank died a few years ago. Yet Life has a way of working things out and Scott was taken care of by his local social services agency. Through them, he was given Section 8 housing which allowed him to move into a beautiful, brand new one bedroom apartment in the center of town. He was also supplied with 2 amazing care-givers who work in shifts, as well as 2 nurses who visit him throughout the week.
Yet I did notice a down side to Scott getting all of this amazing support. He’s gotten a bit lazy. Inside of having the care of those whose job it is to do things for him, he’s stopped doing much for himself. He seems to now almost expect others to do for him things that truthfully, he could be doing for himself. They clear his dishes, unload his dishwasher, and make him coffee. They do these things in the spirit of love. They are nothing short of answered prayer. Yet, my brother seems to have become a bit entitled, and I’m afraid that I too, have contributed to this. For as his health has declined (he’s now on dialysis three times a week), I too started over-functioning, and expecting less of him.
I saw this recently as I’m now writing a new book, and Scott’s daily texts asking for a video visit, or some new Elvis CD started to feel burdensome. I began giving out of obligation, and predictably started feeling resentful. And that’s when it hit me. I needed to expect more of him. I needed to ask him to take care of me, and give him a chance to be a good brother. So I called him. “Honey, I need your help. I’m writing a book and it’s really, really hard. Would you please support me by being okay if we only speak once a week, and stop asking me to buy you anything right now.”
Well…. he not only agreed but these are the texts I started receiving each day (punctuation and spelling his.)
I’m. Proud. Of. You. Keep. Writing.
Your. Doing. A. Wonder full. Job. Keep. Writing.
and
Keep. At. It. Keep. On. Writing. Nice. Work. Then. Break.
To me, this is manna from heaven. My little brother got it. Once more, he has my back. Mutuality is restored by me getting off of my own high-functioning co-dependence, which by the way was enabling his decline. Thank God I remembered to walk my talk on this one.
Comments
Kathern, that was so beautifully said. My first professional position out of college was working with differently abled adults in a facility called the Apple Doll House in Guilford, CT. The Apple Doll House, which no longer exists, was also the restaurant’s name, where the public could come for lunch and be greeted with huge smiles and loving service by these differently abled adults. I will never forget their smiles of delight and joy when anyone arrived for lunch. Their happiness and excitement were contagious.
Restaurant guests found this unique place a respite from our busy, stressed lives.
Thank you for illuminating their gifts.
Love,
Pamela
It sounds like a wonderful place. I would love more of these kinds of facilities. One of my brother’s favorite things to do is be a volunteer greeter at the social services agency headquarters. A warm smile and a sense of purpose brings joy to everyone.
Thanks for your kind words Pamela.
Warmly,
Katherine
Beautiful story and having a neurodivergent daughter or differently -abled it is a challenge to have care takers and family members empower them. As a nurse in long term care, I see the same and then resentment sets in as the boundaries of self determination are crossed. It is an area where we could use a lot of education.. as the saying goes.. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And so it is…
Thanks for this lovely post. Your brother is blessed to have you in his life and for Hank seeing what he could really do.. much love
Thank you Jen.
Your daughter is blessed to have you as well.
Much love,
Katherine
So on time and so beautiful to see your yet another precious guidance, Katherine.
I never told you this, but you are my spiritual Godmother. Your messages in all their manifestations, whether bringing deep insights or delightful sprinkles of joy, find me in most needed moments. And it’s always a relief when I read these. And I always send you a prayer and a blessing as a big thank you for the healing you bring.
Please keep writing. I can’t wait to read (and work through!) the next book!
Mara♥️
Oh thank you Mara. I’m so moved by your kind words.
I am beyond grateful to hear that you consider me your Spiritual Godmother. That’s quite an honor, particularly given how much respect and admiration I have for you.
Thank you.
Much love
Katherine
I love this term Katherine, of the high functioning codependent.
I was touched reading about your brother Scott and seeing the photo of you two.
Thank you for your beautiful insights!
Thank you Dale!
And high-functioning codependent is Terri Cole’s discovery. Her book is out this week and I’m sure it’s going to really hit a chord.
Thanks for reading the blog and for being such a pillar in our community.
Love,
Katherine
This is so real. Thank you, Katherine. I have a son who is differently-abled as well and our relationship is an invitation for me to stretch into a variety of expressions of the divine feminine/mother (emotional attunement, care-giving, compassion, being a grounding rod, generous providing) yet also one of HER qualities is to allow everything to be just as it is, without a sense of urgency around “fixing it”. In so doing, SHE invites what is into its truest natural expression, which is already infused with HER Grace. Allowing my son to find his own connection to the Grace that flows through all of creation is sometimes the most supportive way I can show up for him and for myself.
So wise, Lauriel. Beautifully said.
Thank you for the reminder.
Warmly,
Katherine