I sat in the bleachers, eyes glued on my father as he dashed up and down the soccer field, somehow managing to keep up with 22 high school boys who were fiercely competing for a win. Sweat drenching his green shirt, and silver whistle dangling from his neck, he may have blended into the background as most referees do. Yet my Dad wasn’t just any referee. My Dad is the longest-running officiate in Long Island history. And, as he’ll soon turn 89, he’s also the oldest. To say I’m proud of him is an understatement. To say I love him doesn’t begin to put my feelings into words.
I’ve always worshiped my father. He’s not only a seasoned sportsman, but was also an elementary teacher who eventually became principal of the school. After he and my mother divorced, I would cherish the days we had together. Yet when I was 10, in response to my mother’s remarriage, he made the choice to sign away his parental rights to my mother’s new husband. He thought he was doing the right thing. Particularly as my mother was threatening to take him back to court if he didn’t comply, and he had a new wife who felt it an insult he’d had a daughter before she knew him and forbid me to be part of their newly forming family. Yet when the visits stopped and the phone went silent, I lost my anchor in life and became emotionally homeless; spinning downward into the underbelly of eating disorders, addictions and promiscuity, as so many fatherless girls do. As my primary feeling toward my mother was fear, I felt utterly orphaned; a frozen sense of aloneness spinning a gnarly web in my solar plexus that took me decades to even begin to untangle.
When my father and I reconnected later in life, he spent years apologizing. I wanted to forgive him from the start, and I did things to try to facilitate things in that direction. Yet the consequences were so great, the residue so ingrained and the damage so deep. I was living with so many unhealthy patterns born from his mistakes. My tendencies to sleep with married men who were never going to be there for me when I needed them. Or the constant experience of being ghosted by people who mattered. Or years spent single and completely under supported in life . It’s one thing to pardon someone in theory, and another to outgrow the imprinting left behind in the wake of a wound.
It wasn’t until years later that I finally understood what was keeping the old trauma alive and well between us. It wasn’t the decision made years before, but the subtle yet dramatic dynamic of longing that was still very active in our relationship. My father had given me a Valentine’s Day card, and in the card he’d written, “Although I missed raising you and will always feel sad about that, I love you with all my heart.” As I read his message, I had an epiphany. I realized the ritualistic ways we connected with one another was actually perpetuating the “I’m an orphan” story I’d formed in response to the initial wounding of losing him. I suddenly saw that true forgiveness would require a letting go of this story entirely, and a recalibration of who we are for each other. I looked up and said, “Dad, I don’t want to be an orphan who is longing for her father any longer. I’m tired of that story. Can we just let it go now, and recreate our relationship by acknowledging and affirming how much we actually belong to each other now?”
That insight was key to reclaiming one another and disappearing the old story of separation and failure that had danced between us for decades. My shift out of being overly identified with the traumatized self of my past liberated me to finally create relationships with others that now serve as a happy and secure foundation for my life. I now know that in addition to letting victimization and bitterness go, that we also need to claim a new and better story; one that is life affirming and can give us joy.
Two years ago my father and I went on a ski trip. Mind you, he was 86 at the time and frankly, I was hard pressed to keep up with him as he dashed down the mountain! I’m looking forward to our next trip, and have been working out to make sure that I beat him down the hill this time. A Course in Miracles tells us, “You can have a grievance or a miracle; you cannot have both.” I’m grateful I chose the latter.
Comments
This is so wonderful. I am really appreciative of this blog entry. I’ve been following you for years, and signed up to some of your online courses (really life-transforming).
Thank you for being such a beacon of light in this world.
Much love,
Tere (from Barcelona, Spain)
Thank you Tere! I remember you in the classes and I’m grateful to have you here.
Warmly,
Katherine
Loved this. Thanks for your continual emotional bravery. I’ve had father issues. My dad was very selfish and emotionally neglected my 2 sisters and me. They married and had families. I don’t want to be judgmental but their choice of mates reflected that neglect but they are reasonably happy with their lives. I’m 75 and still very attractive. I know everyone says that…but I get asked alot online and men really like me but I’ve had a hard time accepting a candidate. I’ve been in LTR’s all my life and have been proposed to 3 times. I obviously have fear. I think it’s attached to “not being good enough” or some kind of intimacy issue. I’ve taken CALLING IN THE ONE. Do you do private work? Please let me know. I so admire your work.
Sincerely
Anne
Hi Anne,
Thanks for your thoughts, which touch me. Particularly the part where you’re trying to not judge your siblings. I really hear that you’re striving to accept them on their own terms but overcome the wounding yourself.
Sometimes it’s important to do private work. To allow yourself to be witnessed in what’s happened in your past, yet to have a strong partner in standing with you to manifest a miracle in your future.
Right now, I’m not seeing any new clients but I encourage you to check out the Coach Directory. My coaches are brilliant at helping people transform in unprecedented and life-altering ways.
Thanks for being with us on the journey.
Warmly,
Katherine
Katherine, this is beautiful. I find your story so powerful in my work supporting co-parents and their decisions in their parenting plans. Your story helps practitioners like me guide parents in how to keep their focus on their children’s needs and make decisions from a child’s lens. Thank goodness we have you on this earth. And next time you ski with your father, come to Montana!
Thank you Brandyn! I love the work you and your partner, Jen are doing with separating families and feel so honored to have you as one of my Conscious Uncoupling coaches.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Warmly,
Katherine
Amazing. Thank you so much for this.
You’re so welcome Prema!
Dear Katherine,
I’m so deeply inspired by this post and I feel strengthened in my commitment to heal and transform my relationship with my father. Thank you for your willingness to transform your own life and pass on your wisdom.
Learning from you has helped me in so many ways, including finding deep, lasting love in a wonderful marriage after years of misery in unstable relationships.
Thank you!
Warmly,
Karin
Hi Karin,
Always lovely hearing from you! I find myself wondering how you and your beautiful deck of cards are doing.
Love,
Katherine
Dear Katherine
Thank you for another amazing message of Divine Synchronicity.For years I felt abandoned as I was sent away to a boarding school at 7 years of age for 10 long years very far away from home.My brother had been born a year ago and I felt totally discarded and no longer necessary as is often the case with girls in some Asian families!
Your message is like a wake up call,to let it go& believe in oneself as a beloved of God.
By His grace – recently having my poetry book published on Amazon Kindle has also made me feel I have not lived in vain.
Thank You
Affectionately
Jita
Thank you Jita. I’m so grateful to have you with us.
Warmly,
Katherine
Dear Katherine
Just realised mentioning a poetry from my book (in the comments section of your beautiful story of ‘Why I Let Go…)
was not right,but it expressed my feelings so well and you have the ebook.
Realised only after posting it!!
Will be more careful in future
Affectionately
Jita